I’m trying to put everything in order. Or more like, I’m trying to put my thoughts in order. 

I didn’t expect this to happen, but it did. There’s nothing I can really do but embrace it, because rejecting it would just be temporary. I could tell myself to suppress whatever it is I feel but I won’t do it. Something in the back of my mind is telling me no. 

Then again, why should I?

What I’ve come to learn in all my past loves, and relationships/flings, is to stop trying to control everything. Stop listening to others, stop trying to make things work, and stop trying in general. I’m not saying that I’m giving up on my feelings, but I’m just letting it flow on its own. I’m not going to cut my feelings short or let the possible negative outcomes engulf me. If anything, i’m going to soak it all in. Every last bit.

Why?

Because I’ve been in love once. Only once. It may be hard to believe but I have. I was in love, and I still believe I was. Sometimes I feel like a little part of me still is. But the point is, I have grown to understand that you can’t choose who you fall for. It could be completely unexpected, but you have to remind yourself that you MENTALLY did not pursue this choice. Some force of nature in the air or your body decided to swing you towards this particular person, and no matter how hard you try to pull away, it’ll only try to hold on tighter. 

And that’s how I feel. No matter what I try to do, something always pulls me back to where I don’t want to be. So that’s that. I am not going to try to do anything anymore. I’m just going to embrace these feelings and hope for the best. 

because from what I know of myself.

If I can bear through all that pain that person put me through, I can go through anything.